Badarsle

Habe gerade einen Idée bekommen, von nirgendwo. Ich wollte auf Deutsch schreiben, weil ich Virginija vermisse. Verstehst du "badarsle" Virginija? Es ist sowie "Bad-arsch" auf Deutsch. Sehr lustig in meinem einfachen Kopf.
Liebe Grüsse.
Borgå ist fast nur scheisse.

Och så till en annan oväsentlighet;
Det bara ropar i mig att föröka dig, fort, när jag känner doften av den här karln. Jag ids inte ens försöka förklara ett sånt fenomen, för det har säkert bara med dumbiologi att göra.

Another unimportancy (I know that´s not a word, but come on, it´s nice);
Why is it that one can only do one thing a time? If I have a job, I cannot make music. If I make music, I cannot have a job. So what is it that I want to do, have a job or make music? Maybe make music AND have that as a job? Impossible! Come on, no-one pays for music anymore, and I am not good enough, cause I am from Europe and I´ve grown up knowing I am fucking nothing! You can´t have any dreams here! Get real and stop dreaming, that´s what I´ve been told since I was 16 and ran around in town and glued Loesje-posters up the walls. No-one´s gonna notice that! So get an education and stay down with your boring stupid feet on the ground.
You know what? I still want to say NO!

Jag älskar dig mer än mitt liv

Det finns fenomen som är försvinnande i vår kultur. Ett av de här fenomenen är förmågan att skratta åt sig själv. Ett annat är att glädjas över att det går bra för andra. Ett annat är ketchup och McDonalds popularitet, men det är bara bra saker och det ska jag inte klaga på. Jag ska egentligen inte klaga alls. Jag ska bara konstatera och minnas ett ställe där jag tillbringade så förbannat många timmar av min ungdom. Bar Mary i Borgå. En bar, som nu, efter att den är borta, i minnet ter sig som ett magiskt ställe, som något helt unikt och speciellt, förlorat, antagligen för att jag har så många minnen därifrån.
Där fanns de här pojkarna som egentligen gav grunden till hela mitt musikintresse när det gäller progg och vad det fanns att upptäcka. Och mycket annat. Man satt där och var alldeles bortblandad över att det fanns så mycket bra man aldrig hade hört förut. Och ibland, mot slutet av kvällen, kunde de sätta på Backstreet Boys. Bara som en bomb, som ett skämt, som en fågel som hade flugit fel i detta pretentionernas träskvatten, jag vet inte. Men det är hit jag vill komma. Jag saknar det där så jävla mycket. Var är dom där som har så mycket sinnesfrånvaro att dom kan sätta på Backstreet Boys i en bar för musiknördar? Var är dom som kör runt torget med klassisk musik strömmande ur högtalarna? Var är dom som spontant blandar ihop saker utan att veta varför och sen ser på sin röra med häpnad?
Allt nuförtiden ska vara så seriöst på något sätt, så eftertänkt. Man ska vara så säker på hurdan man är och till vilken stil man hör. Jag blir så förbannad och är glad över att jag inte är sexton år idag. Jag hade inte klarat mig över tröskeln. Pladask hade jag fallit ner på golvet i en hög av självömkan och svårigheter.
Jag är fascinerad av världen, för att folk beter sig så oväntat överallt. Man kan aldrig vara säker på någonting och själv är man naturligtvis den tråkigaste gråa allätaren som finns när det kommer till resande. Man är beredd på allt. Man har sett så förbannat mycket, så många fantastiska vattenfall, bergstoppar och underligt klädda typer med snurrade mustascher och vandringskäppar, afrikanska kungar och besatta voodoogurun. Vi är fullmatade, apatiska, belästa och så satans toleranta. Visst är det konstigt och fel att det är de tråkigaste människorna i världen som har råd att resa, dvs europeerna, amerikanerna och australiensarna, okej snart säkert kineserna och många andra också? Vi har rest så mycket att vi nu börjar intala oss att vi vill resa för att "göra något för andra också." Det vill säga för att komma med vår kvasikunskap och berätta hur de i andra kulturer ska förbättra sina förhållanden för att i slutändan bli likadana som vi.

Jag kan vara intresserad av folk mest för att jag inte förstår dem, för att jag blir frustrerad över att nån kan tänka idiotiskt och resonera banalt, och samtidigt vara smart. Det är såna saker. ”Man slutar aldrig att lära sig” eller "Nu måste jag bara se framåt" kan vissa ha mage att komma och påstå och samtidigt se ut som om dom säger något livsviktigt, medan det bara är gamla floskler i nån annans öra.
Varför det? För att det har sagts för många gånger? För att man hela tiden ska vara så satans nyskapande, och originell och kreativ, titta-vad-jag-kan rövsparkande intressant? Vad är det för fel med att upprepa sånt som är sant flera gånger, ifall det ÄR sant? Klichéer är väl klichéer för att dom sägs jävligt ofta, och det som sägs jävligt ofta måste väl vara sant. Måste klichéer alltid vara fel?
"Jag älskar dig mer än mitt liv." Jag skulle villa kunna säga sånhäna saker på fullaste allvar. Men jag kan det inte. Jag är född i cynismens regntunna.

Ojojoj, nu kom jag på en annan sak. Lonely Planet. I de böckerna kan man läsa sånt som att "when you visit the villages, greet the people with a smile". Är det inte ett påstående som är rent åt helvete? Är det inte konstigt att komma med råd om hur man ska hälsa på andra mänskor i en reseguide, när främmande mänskor har hälsat på varandra i århundraden? Varför ska man nu behöva veta att man också ska le när man hälsar på i nån afrikansk by (vafan man nu ens har där att göra från början om man inte vet hur man hälsar på andra mänskor.) Tänk om man är ledsen?
Okej, det här leder ingen vart. Jag måste bara säga det.

We both smell like shit ok, but do we really have to look the same way too?

Kärlek, förvirring och en oklippt pannlugg

Something I like (nerd) is when the sound of someone logging into MSN goes in tune with the music you´re listening to. If it comes somewhat in tact I almost get horny.

How to become a loser

1. Get really speeded while being drunk and try to get everyone to be just like you
2. Be really depressed in between and act like you´re getting sick even if you´re not
3. If you don´t know what to say, complain
4. Never know what you want
5. Never know what feeling is real and what´s not
6. Make drastic moves without considering anything on forehand
7. Say out loud "now I know" and change your mind after ten minutes
8. Drive crazily straight through shops and markets with tomatoes, glass splitter, oil and shit flying right past your ears
9. Repeat what you say all the time, even if you´re talking nonsense
10. Make music that sounds like a catastrophe
11. While playing music, delete things you´ve spent hours on until there´s just a stupid voice and one tune left, as if that would be nice.
12. Write messages and meaningless things in your blog and then change them every hour cause you´re never happy, as if anyone cared
13. Take everything personally
14. Try to make everything as complicated as you can
15. Promise yourself things and then break every promise as fast as you can



How to become someone else, someone good
1. Don´t drink alcohol
2. If you drink alcohol, be yourself and be a happy drunkard
3. If you don´t know what to say, say "cucumber"
4. Think about what you want and smile while you´re thinking about it
5. Take your feelings seriously
6. If you change your mind, it´s still ok
7. When playing music, just play
8. When writing, talking or deciding things, don´t do random shit
9. Don´t take everything personally, or actually, I want to keep this. KEEP TAKING EVERYTHING BLOODY PERSONALLY if you are the type that can´t help doing so
10. Still, try to be uncomplicated. UNCOMPLICATED. What ever it might mean.




Some Finnish Beauty Contest participant in the train from Helsinki to Turku

This one saved my week

I´ve been playing instruments and stuff. Playing has always meant the ultimate sense of freedom for me, cause there´s no need for me to produce anything of value. Of course I want to do great music as well, but if I fail, it´s not the whole world. Nobody asks me things about music or expects me to know a shit about anything. I can just do what the heck I want and play with effects and shit as much as I want, cause I don´t even know of the do´s and dont´s. I don´t know what´s out and what´s not, which button to push or which small sign means what in the program. It´s exactly like me and photography, but when it comes to photography people expect me to know a hell lot of things cause I´m educated. I don´t know a shit about buttons and effects when it comes to photography as well, and I guess that´s nothing to be proud of. That´s called "failure" in one language and "artistic freedom to do what the hell you want" in another. I am constantly caught in between, like a sheep between the fences of all the endless interpretations of how to live a life in the world. Why is it that I never really know what it is that I want to do? My favourite situation is when you have no alternatives. Just one, shitty road to walk.
Anyway, you can listen to the first piece of musical weakness here.



But now I want a new one. I mean this is from 1988, can you imagine the sounds?

Thoughts about depression

I´ve done a lot of thinking these last few days, cause someone close to me is going through a pain I haven´t seen before in my life. I think I might never get into a real depression, because I seem to have something in me that almost automatically turns me upwards, just when reach the bottom. This sounds so stupid as I write it. But let me explain. When everything feels like shit I usually write down the factors that makes everything feel like shit. Then I see what I can change immediately. Usually there´s something that you can do something about quite quickly.
The problems with really deep depressions are, that you aren´t able to even develop a healthy thought about things like how to get better, because the option that there is a chance things will get better IS NOT THERE. Often you are not able to write a single line, even worse - to even take a look at your own life and the circumstances, and what you might be able to do about it.
My biggest problem these days is - how to give hope to someone that has lost every last fraction of what there is to hope for and believe in? How to inspire someone that wish he were dead? What to say? Where to begin with someone who TRUELY DOESN´T CARE?
Me in my stupidity thought a little good old therapy by talking and getting to the bottoms of the problems, will bring an easy relief, but I recognize myself getting more and more helpless, the more I see NOTHING improve - the days are just copies of each other with no pattern whatsoever.
Before, I was very sceptical to medications like "lucky pills", but I recognize I am changing my mind. I naively thought you could talk any person out of depression, but now I consider depression more like an illness, like any other fysical illness you might develop. Which needs treatment. If someone wants to die, that person is not well, and needs to more or less artificially get a new idea of what it is to feel happy.

Sanningar

Sorry folks, men jag är riktigt cyniskt inställd till det MESTA just nu.
Omständigheter har lärt mig att man
1. aldrig ska älska nån för mycket för då blir man bara lämnad
2. när nån vill ha "en paus" i ett förhållande vill de bara ha en på väntelistan medan de själv får lov att knulla runt och testa ett annat slags liv och sen vill de kunna komma tillbaka som om ingenting hänt OM de ännu vill ha en
3. när nån påstår sig vara "fullständigt ärlig", ljuger denna
4. dåliga nyheter kommer inte en och en, dom kommer I GRUPP

Bevisa att jag har fel.

Life is kicking me in my own damned ass, asking me "so how do you like this? Fall already? Nope, guess I´ll have to kick a little harder next time." And FFFFFKH, another kick. And I suddenly find myself laughing.

Whisky and farmers

Happy days and nights. Yesterday we spent drunk in Helsinki city. Pia and me ended up in a strange place where a retired guy gave us whisky from a coffee cup. His two farmer friends from Hyvinkää came over, and I realise this was a chance I very rarely get. This might sound weird, but I almost never meat real Finnish people like this, like completely regular nothing-else Finnish farmers. I tried to communicate in my very rusty Finnish. We talked about farming, politics, machines that you use in farming and something about phosphor that I still don´t understand. It was basically like trying to talk to another species of monkey. I had absolutely NOTHING in common with these guys, what´s more interesting than that?

So long, orange from Versailles

Today I heard my mother´s concise information that she was going to throw the orange from Versailles away. It has been resting here in a coffee cup by the window since August 2007, when my mother visited me in Paris and we visited Versailles, and saved this tiny orange from being squeezed into the ridiculously expensive orange juice that they sell in the gardens of Versailles.
Now the day has come, when there´s not much more of an orange left of the orange, so we both agreed it´s time to put the sweet little thing into the wheel of reincarnation.

Nights

I really can´t sleep these days. Oh, I mean nights.
Know the feeling when you just want to FFW the night as if it was a boring video? This is how I feel every evening when that stupid thing comes along. Somehow the other people around me disappear and actually fall asleep. I don´t understand this complicated process.

Nights are made for couples. You can just lie there and be fucking 2. For the lonely people a night just means more loneliness.

Someone just came in and PUKED RIGHT HERE!

Coincidences, or?

Life is strange. I think I am getting sick cause I got lost somewhere in between realities. Lost somewhere in between all these places and where it is that I should be. Cause during the last few weeks I surely have been living so many lives. I met an Ethiopian man in a bus who told me he had died many times in his life, so he´s not afraid anymore. He escaped from a concentrate camp when he was 13 and lived on the street for four years. One cannot do much else than just look at these people and sort of admire them. One feel so small next to these real survivors.

I spent new years eve with a bus driver and his family in Guatemala City. He somehow wanted to take care of me cause he had once been taken care of in the US as well.
This is how it goes. The good things you do to other people just keep on coming back to you. I am saying this like it´s something new and strange, but of course it´s not. It has just occurred SO OFTEN during these last few days that I have to point it out.

Imagine - you go by bus from point A to point B. On the bus there´s a shitload of people you don´t know and never will know, all with their individual stories. Imagine now that you actually get the opportunity to know someone, and in 12 hours you will know where that person has spent his last 11 years, what he is dreaming of, how his girlfriend´s house looks like and how much her mother likes dolls.
This is exactly what happened to me. I got to know a South Corean guy at the bus from Guatemala City to Puebla, and ended up spending the night with his girlfriend´s family. Also, they didn´t want me to spend a night on my own down in the dangerous downtown, and I am not the one who refuses to stay at people´s houses, as it is one of my biggest interests just to see how people are living.

What can I say? Not more than 2 weeks away from home and already been at two stranger´s homes.
This is life how I like it.

Me with Alan, the bus driver and his family in Guatemala City

Me in Puebla with the Corean guy Sang Yon and his Mexican girlfriend Veronica and sister

See more pics?

MAGIC forests, and people and cars, and hand-painted signs, and children and LOVE and Spanish, and weirdos

es todos.

Maybe I get into a hell lot of problems, but then at least I´ll have some good stories

I am off to Mexico tomorrow. Planning to possibly get back in springtime. Then, where is "back"? Wish you all a pleasant winter!

A proud owner of A MUSHROOM SHIRT

Today I stumbled over a 70´s MUSHROOM SHIRT from the fabulous Löytöhalli- secondhand store in Porvoo. For the ridiculous price of 2 euros the treasure was mine.

Tooth-brushing is exciting

HAHA! Now it occurs to me that he actually has a BLUE toothbrush while I have a RED ONE! Hahahhahaa. What´s up with OUR parents??




I am desperately waiting for christmas, because then we can do more stupid things like these, eat food, chocolate and then after 2 days i am OFF of this shit! I am leaving Finland for Mexico, and Vivi-Ann Sjögren has definitely convinced me I am not on the wrong way.
It´s hard to get anything done now. People talk about christmas gifts and make you feel you should actually BUY some. Hah!

Yxman härjade fem gånger på soptippen

BORGÅBLADET 12.12.07 A man with an axe has attacked a dump-station near Porvoo now five times. He attacked the gates of the dump-station, chopped the lamps and cut up the fence around the place. He also poured petroleum in a rain-water storage and put it on fire.
Hahhahah. Sorry.

A bad teacher´s confession

Today I tried to be a teacher. I have some problems with that because I think everyone should do what they like. And I think talking during classes isn´t bad because then you´re an outgoing and social person, which is only a good thing when you grow older. I also encourage drawing instead of listening because that´s what I always did.
Nope, I shouldn´t be a teacher. Good to know.

Jolly good moods when Finland turned 90

Förbjud fylleri

Forbid drunkenness
We think drunkards should be forbidden, cause you get scared of them. One day when we walked in the city there came a drunkard and asked for money.
Borgåbladet 4.12.07

Home

Mostly life is just as interesting as Ängelholm station on a Tuesday morning. It´s like nothing is even allowed to happen, as if everything is doomed to just continue on in old tracks like it has always done - but the opportunities I have to just fuck it all makes me crazy! The intensity that living gives me is unescapable. It´s there all the time. When I wash my dishes, when I bring the milk inside from the balcony cause the fridge is broken - it is there. Even if everything I do and say is accompanied by the greyness of November, of the sound of water splashing against the street from cars - it is there, it is there. All the what should I do´s and don´ts. The quiet echoes from time bumping against walls.

Some moments are so creeping silent that you just want to stab a knife right into them or fast forward them until the next exciting thing is coming along.

I make drastic moves just to feel alive. I escape everything just to be somewhere else, to feel different feelings, new sensational and overwhelming feelings that I haven´t felt before.

I am breaking up with Malmö again. The moments when going from one level to another hurt like hell, and I have them all the time as if I love them.
I am going home now.

Glimpses of someone else´s life eller skyll er själva om ni lämnar bilder efter er i Pildammsparken

I found these photos in a park. Imagine - these people were out partying - then they even forgot their last party pictures IN A PARK. Who are these people? Where the hell was I when they were having the time of their life?

Xpornstar

Guess where I was during the weekend?
Here your mind can be as colorful as the streets are grey.

Guitars

The same tone at many places. How the hell is one supposed to know from which one to start?

Fucking Finland

Usch. Nu drabbades jag av en sån där obehaglig känsla av att jag inte vill till Finland. Den kommer alltid när man bara lite föreställer sig hur det är att gå till butiken, hur det är att sitta vid middagsbord och prata finlandssvenska och höra dom där SMÅ CIRKLARNA gå i sina gängor, hur molnen far förbi på himlen som välver sig över ett land där nästan uteslutande FINNAR går på gatorna. Man behöver bara läsa en nyhet på x3m om att det ska komma en arabisk version av MTV och fördomarna och dom små "hehhe"-kommentarerna haglar. Jag HATAR detta! Jag orkar inte med ett land som har så mycket att gå igenom, som fortfarande tror att "det nog är bäst bara alla håller sig inom sina gränser", som har en genomgående rasitisk grundinställning bland äldre, och där man helt utan att nån ens vänder på huvudet kan säga främlingsfientliga saker i högstadiet, för att där inte FINNS nån utlänning i klassrummet!
Blä.

"Ångest, depression, rysningar, feber, hosta, trötthet och huvudvärk kan vara ett tecken på allvarlig kvinnosjukdom som också drabbar män"

Been working in buses, counting people, got to love it, got completely enough of it. Lost all content from my old computer, all pictures, all texts. And guess what? It feels great. Been healed, been sleepless, been sure and unsure, happy and desperate.
Nothing unusual.

Snälla barn väntar och blir utan

...eller den som väntar, väntar alltid för länge.
Hur som helst. Min dator har gått sönder. Jag har gått i stå. Här kommer inte att hända ett skit på en tid.
My computer has given up. People who wait, wait in vain. Make coffee or blow bubble gums, here ain´t gonna happen nada.

Blue Moon

Jag blir aldrig färdig

Smärtsamma övergångar

Jag har så svårt att avsluta saker, vad som helst. Jag vill inte avsluta denna kväll, eftersom den är rätt underbar. På morgonen vill jag inte sluta äta frukost. Processen att övergå från ett skede till ett annat är rentav smärtsam.
Jag är skitdålig på avslutningar. Kolla bara hur jag gör det här: SLUT!

Kärlek förlorar jag gärna i

...och så igen. En klockren beskrivning av min bortkomne vän Mikael;

Such a beautiful evening and Manda (of course) is in a destroying mood

Fast and pray

Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise. AS IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW, I GOT YOUR IMPRESSIVE INFORMATION THROUGH THE INTERNET SEARCH HERE IN OUAGADOUGOUBURKINA-FASO. I FASTED AND PRAYED FORTHREE DAYS BEFORE I CONTACT YOU TO BE MY PARTNER.

I guess there mails are known to almost anyone by now. Poor people!
But this one took the price. He found my "impressive information" through the internet search, and even fasted and prayed before he contacted me!

Fjutte has something to sell

Dear People,

I am pleased and delighted to have contact with you via this medium. My name is Fjutte. I am a cockatiel and Swedish by nationality. I personally decided to contact you so that we can negotiate reasonably and have a successful business transaction together.

I have 150 kilogram of 22plus Carat Alluvial Gold Dust which I inherited from my late father, which I have decided to put on sale for sometimes now. I need a serious minded buyer who will purchase them from me within the shortest time possible. If you are interested, kindly indicate it in your reply to this attractive offer I have presented to you.

This is the primary reason why I have attached my Full Corporate Offer (FCO) in this mail you are reading for your personal evaluation and consideration.If my offer is acceptable to you, kindly let me know immediately so that we can proceed accordingly. Please be informed that my gold price is also negotiable. Please find below my Full Corporate Offer (FCO) for the sale of my AU Metal dust:

(FULL CORPORATE OFFER)

OWNER OF AU METAL--------------- Fjutte
PRODUCT: -------------------------- Alluvial Gold Dust (AU).
ORIGIN: --------------------------- Unknown
QUANTITY: ------------------------ 150 kilograms.
QUALITY: -------------------------- 22+carat.
PRICE PER KILOGRAM: ------------$16,000USD (Negotiable).
PACKAGING: ------------------------ Securely packaged In
a Galvanized metal box.

TERMS OF PAYMENT,
Payment must be made in cash or via Telegraphic Transfer (T/T) or Wire Transfer within 72hours to a specified bank account to be recommended by my Lawyer. I will patiently wait for your reply on the above subject matter soonest. Looking forward to having a successful transaction with you. Have a pleasant nice day.

Yours Sincerely,
Fjutte

Weird things from a Dutch paper

Cracked glasses? Yeh, why not.

Internet is hell of a good thing when it works but when it doesn´t work it drives you nuts and insane, just makes you stare at the stupid "försök igen senare"- messages and push the button furiously ten times in a row, while giving it a manipulating look "nu satan fungerar du din helvetes pissröv", makes you want to throw the machine at the floor and torture it, jump on it and scream at it, as if it would help in some way, as if those bugs would jump out of the system with their hands on their neck while begging for mercy and promising never to cause any problems anymore. During the last week one problem has gone into another, like several different stupid problems with different possible solutions, and it´s driving me insane cause I have fucking business to do here! As you can see..